The Birthday present

Agnostic? Atheist? Center of the universe? Who am i to say who or what to believe in. All i know is, for me, i have to believe in something greater than myself. Because, quite frankly, if there isn't something greater than myself, we're all in trouble! And here is the punchline; i lived most of my life thinking that the world DID revolve around me. That was a lot of pressure: nobody did what i told them to, nobody ever did enough for me, nobody ever cared! Boo freakin' hoo. King Baby on his throne. What a lonely kingdom i ruled, those damn peasants couldn't even pay homage correctly! I mean c'mon, didn't they realize who the heck i thought i was? All i wanted was everything now. Then one rainy day the pain and resentments out numbered my loyal subjects (me) and my kingdom was sacked by that terrible usurper: reality. It was 11:20 a.m on a Friday, October 10th, and i raised myself up off the floor (reality had administered a terrible beating) and uttered the only prayer i could think of: God, please help me. And help did arrive: in the form of my former spouse, (she was the smart one). Now that was a miracle, because i never would have gone anywhere let alone an A.A meeting, with anyone other than her. You see,i was still in love with her, and if she had asked me to come over and unclog her toilet i would have, just to see her again. So there we stood on a Friday afternoon, together again: only this time there were conditions; we were going to a well known local rehab to attend an A.A meeting. Little did i know i was about to be punked. She loaded me into her car reluctantly, she new me well, and drove away. She immediately told me to empty my pockets. I honored her request and as i recall, i threw out my crack pipe, some pills, and an empty baggy. "Now the other pockets" she said, and i complied. Out went a half pint partialy empty and some weed. God, i thought, how am i ever going to find this stuff on the way home? And believe me i did NOT want to get sober, nor did i give up my drugs without some choice words directed towards her obvious insanity! So off we sped to the Meeting, or as i referred to it, the loser show. The ride was a short one, fourteen miles, but it seemed to take forever: i was beginning to regret my decision, partly because i had begun to detox and partly because i was ashamed of what my life had become. There was no love in her eyes, only revulsion. I was so embaressed, and humiliated; i felt less than human and she new it. So after what seemed to be an eternity we arrived at the treatment center. To be continued...... Part II I vaguely remember walking into the rehab, partly because i was detoxing and mostly because the situation was so surreal. I remember my ex telling me there was someone she would like me to meet. As we started to walk down a hallway i was accosted by a jovial looking man dressed in Chef's attire who was wearing a very funny looking hat; i would later come to know this man as Jake,(shake n' bake Jake) and become very fond of him. Jake must have noticed my emaciated appearance,(my last meal was Tomato soup, made from Stop n' Shop ketchup and cold water, eaten approximately 4 days before) he graciously offered me a grinder he had made. "No thanks " i replied, "i'm not hungry." He smiled and said "o.k" never questioning my obvious lie or the rumbling noises coming from my stomach. Jake walked away and as soon as his back was turned i ate that grinder like a fat lady eats a twinky! My former spouse and i continued to walk down the hall until we reached the conference room. We entered and she knocked on the door of the administrative director. I remember feeling both nervous and angry; at this point i had a feeling there was more to this than just an A.A meeting. "Come in" the A.D announced, "you must be Dominick." "What the hell have i gotten myself into" i thought, "they think i'm an alcoholic." " She did it to me again, the little #*##!," is what i really thought. Yea, i really loved her! The A.D offered me a seat, which i took, and then asked if i knew why i was here. "Because she's insane" i thought; "no" is what i replied. "Your friend says you have a problem" he announced; "several, take your pick" i answered, always the smartass. He became more specific and deathly serious,"a problem with drug and alcohol addiction." I looked at him and for a brief moment felt like crying. I thought about my failed marriage, my recent eviction, my estranged family; i thought of my lifelong pain and the feeling that i was never good enough. I remembered how many times i wished that i would just die; i couldn't stand the thought of another day. Then something very unexplainable happened: when the director asked if i needed help i shook my head no, but answered "yes." "Wow" i thought, where did that come from? To this day i think about that. What if i had said no? Why did i say yes? I know the answer now was simply that i had no other options. I had received the gift of desperation from my higher power........To be continued.

War Stories

I like a good war story. Every now and then it's refreshing to have someone get up there in front of everyone and remind me of what an ASSHOLE i used to be! Some would still put forth a good argument that, at times, i still resemble the working end of the manure factory. Yea, it's all coming back to me now.......It was the night before Thanksgiving and some of my college buddies had returned home for the pre-turkey day festivities, or should i say the night before Thanksgiving drunkathon. Fred, myself and his brother Adam had been out on the town proving to the world and ourselves, just how much booze we could consume while still holding on to a blade of grass and not falling off the face of the earth! Aah yes, the night was filled with youth full revelry and more than a few "get lost losers" from the local ladies. Yup, we were regular Casanovas that night! After repeated attempts to convince the doorman at the last club we visited that we were not drunk, but merely happy to see each other,(he remained unconvinced;i could tell by the way Fred landed after the doorman threw him) we left in a aggravated mood (not to mention in a hurry; the doorman resembled Hulk Hogan on steroids!). The local police were out in force that night due to the amount of students home from school and out on the town. Suddenly Fred had a great idea: Lets pull down our pants and moon the police! WOW, why didn't i think of that! So no sooner did Fred launch his gem on the world, when a police cruiser appeared behind us while we were walking. Into action we sprang, our should i say staggered, and all three dropped our drawers! Judging by the way the policemen sprang into action, the looks on their faces, and the call for back up, they didn't find it quite as amusing as we did! Fred and Adam quickly pulled up there pants and ran, and i being the consummate drunk that i was, pulled up my pants:and fell on my face! Well, as you could probably guess, thus ends the comedic act in this comedy of errors. To make a long story short, the police administered some overzealous physicality's and i fought back like any drunken asshole would. I was arrested and charged with two counts of aggravated assault on two state troopers, as well as public drunkenness and breach of peace: they dropped the indecent exposure charge on a plea bargain. I would like to tell you all that this was my last drunk, but unfortunately for me, there would be many more. I owe my life to the fellowship, not to mention my new found dignity(which i ask God daily to provide). Without A.A in my life i would still be hopeless and helpless. Thank you Bill Wilson. And for me, am i glad to be sober? You bet my ASS i am!!! ODAAT....Dominick

The commitee on ego

The worst thing about the stuff i carry around in my head, (so often imagined or fabricated) is that i believe it! You know the stuff: i suck, i'm a failure, i'm not good enough.... ad infinitum. Anything which chews away at my ego strength is pure poison, as far as my recovery is concerned. Ego, Id and Superego are very strange bedfellows which all happen to sleep in all of our beds. Lose the reigns on any one of them and it's self will run riot time! So how am i supposed to maintain my sense of serenity without losing my sense of self worth? I mean c'mon now people lets get brutally honest here: sometimes it is someone else's fault why we feel the way we do. I'm not saying that we blame anyone for the way we feel; (it is always our choice) i am saying that sometimes other people do wrong us and no matter how deep we look for our part in it, there really isn't much to go on. Should we always accept even the most minute detail as proof that we do own some part in it? Hmmmm? NAH! Sometimes people in and out of the program will do their best to hurt us, because of their low self esteem, (a.k.a, character defects) in an attempt to make their own selves feel better. Hurt people hurt people. And so often these attempts take the form of put downs, gossip, lies, and half truths. DON'T OWN ANY OF IT! I have found that the roots of my sometimes low self esteem is my ability to believe someone else's imposed garbage at my own expense. Why am i willing to do that? I'M AN ALCOHOLIC ADDICT!!! That's it. Thats the nature of my disease. Simple answer to a not so simple problem. So what is my solution? Ego strength! How do i get it? By not believing in them and believing in myself! It's a selfish program and without me (or you) there is no we. BELIEVE and all things become possible. Did you ever believe you could be sober? No? Of course you did because you are! BELIEVE in yourself, BELIEVE in your higher power, and above all else, Believe in MIRACLES.......you are one! OH yeah, and forgive those sick bastards! Lots of love, Dominick.

Came To Believe

I hope i don't offend anyone with my musings; i need to see the humor in this serious and so often fatal disease. They told me to buy a suit when i entered the fellowship, i'd be going to a few weddings and more than a few funerals; man they weren't kidding. In the four years since i've been sober i've seen at least twenty people die. A little bit of my soul went with each one of them. Why i remain sober is a mystery to me at times; "we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us." I don't know about all of that, but i do know that as long as i look to my God with prayer and patience and do not use, the solutions appear.Sometimes not in the form or result i would prefer, but in the end, always the most beneficial for me and my sobriety. i believe a grateful heart will never use, therefore i remain grateful. i would like to share a passage with you that appears on page 112 in the "came to believe" book. it says, and i quote "happiness is gratitude for the miracle which granted, another go around at a life once abandoned." Today my life is no longer abandoned, and i am eternely grateful. ODAAT.........Dominick.

13th stepping

Ahhh yes, the birds aren't annoying anymore, you can actually afford to by ketchup instead of stealing handfuls of packets from McDonalds, you're showering at least once a week; and that pink cloud you're riding on just keeps getting bigger and softer. SOBRIETY IS FREAKIN' AWESOME!! Everything is so right in your life you just have to share it with someone! And just like a special gift from your higher power, in strolls the person you've been lookin' for all your life; well, since you got sober anyway: thirty seven days ago. Awww, she looks so cute, all skinny and stuff; i think she's checking me out. How did she know how well my life has been going? She must have seen it in my eye; the one that hasn't got pink yet. Yea, i thought i recognized her: i remember meeting her in detox; she looks so much better, those track marks aren't nearly as noticeable. I wonder if my mom would like her: speaking of mom, i better call her i haven't seen her in so long: priorities! Maybe we could go out to eat or something. I wonder if my sponsor would loan me twenty bucks? Nah, better not ask him i haven't called him in a week. I wonder if i got the job at Wendy's? Maybe we could go out for coffee after the meeting; she could ride on the handlebars. Yeah, ya know, if i play my cards right, maybe i could get her to come over to my place after the meeting! The couch in the basement i'm sleeping in isn't nearly as musty since we got the sump pump going. God i've really got it good! I wonder if she knows how lucky she's about to get! I wonder what our kids will look like? SOBRIETY IS FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!!

There are such unfortunates

How many chronic relapsers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: chronic relapsers never change anything!
Whats the difference between a hooker and a dealer? After you hit it a hooker can wash her crack and resell it!
So i was thinking the other day; is "you are not alone," a good slogan for someone who is a paranoid schizophrenic and coming off a 3 month crack run?
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender looks at him, pours the shots and watches in amazement as the man drinks them all down. Next the man orders 10 more shots of whiskey, the bartender still amazed at the prior feat, pours 10 more shots: the man once again downs them all. The bartender now utterly blown away says,"i have never seen anyone drink like that!" The man replies,"you'd drink like that to if you had what i had." The bartender asks "what have you got?" "50 cents" the drunk slurs!!! "I was always a social drinker" the drunk proclaimed. " whenever anyone said they were having a drink i always replied,"so shall i!"

just for today

Just for today i will be what i know i can be, not what i think i can be. Just for today i will have a program; and i will be the star of that program. Just for today if i feel i can't do it, i won't. Just for today if someone hurts my feelings i will not retaliate; i'll calmly say, " geez, i always felt you were an asshole, it's such a relief that you finaly confirmed my feelings." Just for today when someone with thirty seconds of sobriety tells me how much thier life has changed i won't laugh: i'll freakin scream! And finaly, just for today i won't take anything for the pain.......

Mt first